The Guys' Rules
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Thursday, April 01, 2004
YOU can be a Democrat!!!!!!!!
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat; just simply quit thinking and vote that
way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some necessary
prerequisites. Compare the list below and see how you rate.
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack
of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding
Americans, are more of a threat than U. S. nuclear weapons
technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual
is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and
governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony
activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually
doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports
certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it
supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more
important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't
worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people
haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a
liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites
and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at
Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese
is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
So, VOTE DEMOCRATIC... It's easier than getting a job!
way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some necessary
prerequisites. Compare the list below and see how you rate.
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack
of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding
Americans, are more of a threat than U. S. nuclear weapons
technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual
is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and
governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony
activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually
doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports
certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it
supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more
important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't
worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people
haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a
liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites
and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at
Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese
is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
So, VOTE DEMOCRATIC... It's easier than getting a job!
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